Know your Audience (Part I – the Parent)

WARNING: Offensive Language!!!

(Well, not too offensive as I have #$%& out the bad words 😉)

This is the first of a two-part post about understanding your audience and working with them.

It is a story about how my very scripted calls home turned into a very unscripted meeting and how it all added up to making a successful connection with a parent and some crazy stuff as well.

Several years ago, I was teaching science at a high school in the Bronx. While it was a sort of rough neighborhood, the students came to school in uniforms, were well behaved and for the most part, did their work, but like and like any school we had our moments. One of these moments came during my first Parent Teacher conference. I really enjoyed P/T Conferences as they gave me the chance to build lasting relationships with parents and other family members. Think positively! This is your chance to show parents who you are and what you expect from their child. I always gave parents printed Progress Reports upon entering my room and they were permitted to examine (but not take home) the Student Goal-Setting Folders. The student generated work in these folders was the cornerstone of my classes and is the foundation for the School Goals Work program. (More on these in upcoming posts!)

The year had been progressing well and most of the students seemed to be getting it, except one. I’ll call her Dejah. We’ve all had students like Dejah – very bright, nice handwriting, could always do better, but was a royal pain in the keister when it came to class behavior. If Dejah was breathing, she was non-stop talking and extremely rude. As per my program School Goals Work, I would call every time I had an issue where Dejah’s mom needed to be called. Calls home are non-negotiable. At some schools, I have been informed that calling home to some students was not recommended as most of those student behavior issues were handled in-house. Dejah might have been one of those students, but I called… frequently.

I was prepared for my P/T conference with Dejah’s mom, until the s&#% hit the fan. Wait, the language gets worse… much worse. Everything was going great until the conversation went from great to straight into the Twilight Zone. Conversations with parents were always routine and pleasant – even those of my more challenging students - and then came Dejah’s mom, whom I’ll call Ms. D.

Mrs. D, a very sweet well-dressed woman, who introduced herself saying what a pleasure it was to finally meet face-to-face after the many phone conversations we had, but what surprised me most was that she insisted Dejah stay in the room during the meeting. And here is how the meeting went.

Me: Thank you for coming Ms. D, and thank you for having Dejah stay in the room as well, as I am sure she will be able to help clear up any issues. As you know from our phone conversations, I am still having issues with Dejah’s behavior in class. (NEVER start what might be a negative conversation with a positive comment – no matter what anyone tells you!) She continues to talk with her friends, interrupts others and is taking a lot of learning time away from the rest of the class. To be honest, I just don’t know what to (I paused, thinking of my next words…)

Mrs. D: (not missing a beat) You just don’t know what the f&#% to do. Am I right, Dr. Cubbin? You are fed up with Dejah’s f&#%ing behavior and you just don’t know what the f&#% to do!

I looked over at Dejah and saw what I believed was a little smirk, so in keeping with my policy of being honest and open in my communication with parents – and seeing my opening – I said…

Me: You are 100% right, Ms. D! I just don’t know what the f&#% to do about Dejah! She isn’t doing her f&#%ing work and won’t stop f&#%ing talking in class while I am trying to teach.

(*I thought Dejah was going to fall out of the chair!)

Ms. D: Don’t you worry about using the word f&#% around me, Dr. Cubbin. Dejah is used to hearing me use this f&#%ing word regarding her behavior in school at home, because you are not the first teacher to have this same f&#%ing complaint. Most of Dejah’s teachers also don’t know what the f&#% to do with her! We talk about this every f&#%ing day and I continue to hear complaints regarding her f&#%ing behavior.

Me: (In keeping with the “f-bomb dropping theme”) I am so f&#%ing glad to hear that. Not that this is good news, but that I am not alone in having this same f&#%ing issue as other teachers have with Dejah.

Ms. D: Well, I can assure you Dr. Cubbin, that you will not have to worry about this f&#%ing issue anymore. Dejah is going to understand that we are both on the same f&#%ing page and that I welcome you calling me if this ever f&#%ing happens again.

Ms. D went on to tell me that she and her husband both work very good jobs, that Dejah and her family live in a very nice home and that they have very high expectations for Dejah. She then said how happy she was that she had come that night and that we had this colorful conversation. To be honest, I am sure I am leaving out a few f&#%s that were dropped, but you get the idea.

The next day, Dejah came in and was a different girl. I could hear her telling her friends how her mother and Dr. Cubbin dropped “like 20 f-bombs” during the P/T conference and that her mother laid down the law from last night on. As you can imagine, I never had another behavior issue with Dejah and she was a changed girl for the rest of the year. I also picked up a bit of street cred from her friends as well.

If I were to take all parent/student situations face value, then up to this point I would have believed that Dejah’s parents were completely disengaged from her education and that my messages home were rolling off their backs. I would have been one of those teachers saying how, “Dejah’s parents just don’t care so why should I call?”, which couldn’t have been farther from the truth. You could see that Ms. D was quite embarrassed by her daughter’s behavior and was greatly reassured by our conversation. You could tell it was somewhat cathartic for her to get all of that frustration off her back, while at the same time having me be so supportive about her venting. Sometimes parents may not seem to care, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Ms. D loved her daughter, but it took everything coming to a head for her to see it was time to step it up. Ms. D continued to be my favorite parent that year and one of my all-time favorite parents. From that time on, we had many conversations – all about how well Dejah was doing in my class and how my expectations for her were at the top of the class!

I tell you this story not to advocate use of the word #$%& with a parent during a P/T conference, but that you need to be able to read your audience. If I had protested Ms. D’s language and asked that the situation be calmed down - or worse that she should speak with a dean or AP - I would have lost her, and Dejah as well. The moral of the story is when speaking with a parent, understand that they love their child and want you to know that. It may take a little thinking outside the typical “pedagogical box” to pull a win-win from the clutches of defeat, but anything is possible if you believe it is possible!

And instead of putting any of the blame on the parent, I realized it was most likely my fault that the situation had gone this far. Obviously, I had not made clear the extent of the problem in our earlier phone conversations. As a result of this, I revamped my Phone Call Home script making it clearer and more effective. Yep, another win-win!

Please share with colleagues who might be in a similar situation to let them know they are not alone :)